Why Do I Always Fall for Emotionally Unavailable People?

Why Do I Always Fall for Emotionally Unavailable People?

Let’s just say it, being drawn to emotionally unavailable people is exhausting. It’s like your heart keeps handing out job offers to folks who didn’t even apply… and now you’re doing all the work, chasing connection that never fully shows up.

If you’ve ever found yourself in yet another situationship, friendship, or family dynamic where you're constantly guessing, overthinking, or trying to earn love, this isn’t about bad luck. It's a pattern. And patterns don’t change just because you’re finally “being nice enough,” “not asking for too much,” or trying harder. Let’s talk about what’s really going on underneath.

Anxious Attachment: AKA, Why You’re Always on Edge in Relationships

If you grew up in a home where love was conditional, inconsistent, or where you had to earn connection by being helpful, quiet, perfect, or emotionally available for them, you probably didn’t learn how to feel safe in relationships. That’s not your fault.

As a result, you might’ve developed an anxious attachment style. That doesn’t mean you're clingy or dramatic. It means you care deeply and your nervous system starts ringing alarm bells the moment connection feels off. It means you’re hyper-attuned to shifts in tone, text delays, or “we’ll see” responses, because your body has learned to equate emotional distance with danger.

The problem? People who are emotionally unavailable often feel familiar to your nervous system. They mirror the exact kind of inconsistent love your system is used to chasing.

You're Not Choosing Wrong, You're Choosing Familiar

Let me be completely honest with you. Most people don’t end up in these patterns because they’re naive. You’re smart. You see the signs. You’re even calling them “red flags” now. But somewhere deep down, your body still believes that if you can just do enough, be enough, love them enough… they’ll finally show up the way you need.

So instead of walking away at the first sign of emotional shutdown, you stay. You explain yourself one more time. You justify the bare minimum. You try to be “the understanding one” because you don’t want to be “too much.” You settle for crumbs and call it compassion.

But this isn’t love. It’s survival.

When Red Flags Look Like “Normal”

Let’s talk about confusion. Some of you weren’t taught what actual safety looks like. If you grew up around people who ignored your needs, made you question your worth, or gave you love that came with strings, then guess what, your compass might be a little off.

You might see “I’m just not good at talking about emotions” and think, “I can help them open up.”
You might hear, “I’m just busy lately” and interpret it as, “I should be more chill.”
You might mistake emotional unavailability for mystery, maturity, or independence.

Spoiler: it’s none of those things. It’s avoidance.

Why It Hits Harder as a Christian

If we could be completely honest, sometimes faith messaging makes this worse. You’re told to be patient, gracious, long-suffering. And yes, love is patient. But love also tells the truth. It doesn’t gaslight you into thinking your needs are “too much” or make you carry both sides of the relationship.

God’s design for love isn’t emotional scarcity. He’s not asking you to stay loyal to someone who’s not even available.

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”— Matthew 7:6.

So why do we hand our hearts to people who don’t even know how to hold or care for it?

What You Can Actually Do About It

You don’t have to throw your whole heart away. You just need to pause and get curious.

1. Name the Pattern
Write down your last 2–3 emotionally draining relationships. What did they have in common? What did you keep doing, ignoring, or hoping for?

2. Relearn Safety
Sometimes what feels boring is actually safe. That consistent friend who checks in? That person who responds instead of disappearing? Start noticing how your body reacts to safety, and ask yourself why.

3. Stop Overfunctioning
You shouldn’t have to be both the feeler and the fixer in a relationship. If you're doing all the emotional heavy lifting, it’s not a partnership, it’s a performance.

4. Sit with the Discomfort
Choosing different kinds of people might feel awkward at first. You’re used to the highs and lows. But peace doesn’t always feel like fireworks. Sometimes, it’s just not needing to reread a text 17 times to make sure you're not being annoying.

Final Thoughts 

You’re not broken. You’re just carrying wounds that taught you to settle. And even though that pain wasn’t your fault, the healing is now your responsibility.

You deserve mutuality. You deserve consistency. You deserve to be loved in a way that doesn’t make you question your sanity.

And if you're not sure how to get there, that’s okay. This is why therapy exists. You weren’t meant to untangle all this alone.

Did you feel called out? Good. That means you’re ready for something different.

If this hit home and you’re ready to break the pattern, let’s talk. I offer free 15-minute consults for Christian millennials and Gen Z who are done with the cycles and want something real.