When They Pull Away and You Start Spiraling: How to Cope with the Fear of Rejection
You were fine until they got quiet.
Now your stomach’s in knots, you’re rereading texts, checking your tone, wondering if you said something wrong, and lowkey trying not to triple-text them.
Sound familiar?
If you’ve ever felt like someone pulling away makes you want to crawl out of your skin, or like silence sends you into mental gymnastics mode, you’re not needy. You’re human. And what you’re likely feeling is called abandonment anxiety.
Let’s break that down and talk about how to get your peace back when someone’s distance makes you spiral.
It’s Not Just About Them Pulling Away
When someone pulls back, it often triggers way more than the actual moment.
That emotional spiral you’re having?
That’s not just about the fact that they haven’t texted in eight hours.
That’s a wound being poked.
Because somewhere deep down, you don’t just feel ignored, you feel left.
And being left, for a lot of us, doesn’t feel neutral. It feels like rejection, failure, or punishment.
It taps into old stuff, unspoken fears like:
“I’m too much.”
“I must’ve done something wrong.”
“They’re going to leave me like everyone else.”
That’s not you being dramatic. That’s your nervous system recognizing a pattern it’s seen before. And when it doesn’t have safety, it scrambles to make sense of the threat, even when the “threat” is just someone needing space.
You’re Not Clingy—You’re Trying to Protect Yourself
Let me say this plainly: you’re not clingy. You’re coping.
When emotional closeness gets disrupted, some people shut down to protect themselves. Others lean in hard. You might try to over-explain, over-apologize, overthink, or overdo, because on some level, you believe if you can fix it fast enough, maybe they won’t leave.
That’s what I call panic intimacy—when connection feels like survival, and distance feels like danger.
But here’s what’s really happening underneath the panic:
You’re trying to earn love again before it gets taken away.
Pause the Panic. Come Back to Yourself.
Here’s a hard but freeing truth:
Not every silence is abandonment.
Not every pause is punishment.
Not every distance means rejection.
Sometimes they’re just tired. Or moody. Or busy. Or bad at communicating.
But your body doesn’t know that unless you remind it. So let’s ground back into truth.
Try this:
Ask yourself: “What story am I telling myself right now?”
Then gently question it: “What else could be true?”
And finally: “Is this person actually showing me they’re safe and consistent—or am I just hoping they will?”
When you slow down the story, you can separate your fear from the facts.
If You’re Always the One Chasing Closeness…
It’s time to get curious, not critical.
You might have what we call an anxious attachment style, which just means your brain equates love with closeness and reassurance. When that closeness is interrupted, your brain throws a fit.
You might be attracted to emotionally distant people because their inconsistency mimics something familiar, even if it doesn’t feel good.
And sometimes, you mistake “God testing your patience” for a person just not being emotionally available.
Let’s be honest:
If someone’s inconsistency is always activating your anxiety, that’s not God’s best. That’s just a relationship that keeps poking a wound.
God Isn’t Playing Keep-Away With Your Peace
Your nervous system might be used to inconsistency, but God is not inconsistent.
“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” — Deuteronomy 31:6
That’s not just a verse to quote, it’s a reality your nervous system needs to internalize.
You don’t have to perform to be loved.
You don’t have to panic to be chosen.
You don’t have to shrink to be kept.
And yes, therapy helps.
Not because you're broken, but because that spiral is showing you where healing still needs to happen.
A Few Grounding Reminders for the Next Spiral
Feelings aren’t facts.
You’re allowed to pause before reacting.
People needing space isn’t always a sign of rejection.
You are still worthy, even when someone is distant.
Sometimes the real work isn’t in making them stay—it’s in letting yourself believe you’re still okay even if they don’t.
Final Thoughts
If you always feel like you’re the one holding the relationship together… that’s not love. That’s emotional overfunctioning.
And that fear of rejection? It doesn’t get smaller by chasing closeness.
It gets smaller by building safety inside of you— with God, with truth, with support.
You don’t have to untangle all of this alone.
But you do deserve to feel peace in relationships, not like you’re constantly bracing for impact.
This hit something?
You’re not the only one who spirals when they go quiet.
Let’s talk about it in therapy.
I’m currently accepting Christian Millennial + Gen Z clients in Ontario.
Book a free 15-min consult below.
